He decides to go to a bar and have one drink. He trusts he can stop, and his wife will never know. But of course, one turns into two, which turns into three…and before he knows it, he’s absolutely wasted.
Finally the bartender says, “Fred, you have to go home. I called you a cab. Maybe your wife won’t notice you’re drunk.”
Fred agrees and as he’s walking to the door to meet the cab, he throws up all down his shirt.
“Oh no!” says Fred. “My wife will definitely know now!”
“Don’t worry,” says the bartender. She asks another guy drinking at the bar for a business card. “Here. Put this in your shirt pocket. When you get home and your wife starts yelling, tell her you were headed home after one beer, and being the nice guy you are, was cheering up some poor drunk bastard and he threw up all over your shirt. He gave you his card so you can text him and he’ll pay for your laundry bill.”
“That’s GENIUS! Thanks so much!” Fred is so happy with the plan and gets in the cab.
True to form, he gets home and immediately his wife starts laying into him.
“Fred! You good for nothing, lazy, drunk-ass piece of shit! You’re so out of control you threw up all over yourself! What the hell’s the matter with you?! I can’t take it. I’m leaving you!”
“Wait, Martha, wait!” Fred pleads. “It’s not what you think. I’m stone cold sober. I was chatting up this poor guy that lost his job today, he’s scared he won’t be able to buy baby formula, his rent is due…he was a mess. I felt bad for him. He got shitfaced real bad. He’s the one the threw up on me!”
“Bullshit,” Martha says defiantly.
“No! For real! He gave me his card and said he’d pay for to clean my shirt!” Fred pulls out the card and hands it to Martha.
“Oh.” Martha says as the tension and anger drops from her face. “Ok. I’m sorry. I know you’re a good person and I appreciate your honesty.”
“You’re welcome,” says Fred as he starts walking towards the stairs to go to bed.
“Oh. And just in case you start wondering, the guy also shit in my pants.”
